“Of course there is a very good reason why golf hasn’t been in the Olympics since 1904. It’s not a sport. How can something that includes an umbrella as part of its essential equipment be taken seriously, let alone be dignified as a sport?

At best golf is a game, a gentle pastime to while away the time as one becomes too old for genuine sport. I readily accept to play it well requires a modicum of skill. But again, so does darts and ludo [a board game], and I don’t detect a clamour for their inclusion in the Olympics…

Even the old cliché about golf being a good walk spoiled no longer holds good. Passing the local golf course I noticed lines of strange vehicles resembling the issue of an unnatural congress between a milk float and an invalid carriage. I am reliably informed that these are golf buggies that save golfers the inconvenience of walking between swipes.”